The Journal of Atama Luciros

atama_luciros @ 2008-03-17T02:55:00

2008-03-17T07:12:08Z

Again, so many things have happened lately, it's just so overwhelming. I barely have time to eat and sleep, let alone do anything else. My own mind fails me at times, journal. I'm starting to have a fear of a myriad of things. And why does it seem that when something good happens for me, something bad happens for someone else?

Himmel was warned fair enough about the whorish intent of his lovers. Refusing to believe us and always giving them the benefit of the doubt, he's now floating in a vat in the lower levels of the house where I usually conduct my experiments. When Himmel refused to place a spy on Requiem, Lieben did. If Lieben had it her way, she'd send a spy on another spy and on another until it made a complete circle. And when the rumors had been sent back, Himmel was unable to bear it any longer. Eager to get out his frustrations, he trekked down into Alterac Valley and held a defensive against a massive Alliance attack. So we were told when his body was sent back to us after a day's time. If we had waited a moment longer, surely the boy would have died. Lieben refuses to let her eldest son slip away so easily, so I am obligated to restore his body to the best of my abilities and furthermore... figure out why his soul refuses to attach to his body.

Now Lieben knows where I keep the soulstones for all the main family members. She knows that I am the conduit in which keeping me alive is her utmost priority... next to bringing her son back.

But journal, I can't help but think that some other forces are at play here. Leben has been over my shoulder constantly about Himmel's progress. And today, we saw that his eyes are no longer the golden hue they once were, rather... dead and completely white. And yet, his body seems responsive to our movements as if he can see us. So I'm curious to see what will happen when he is complete. Though I think it will be far from normal.

As for me journal, this entire mess has kept me busy, but I'm trying to stay focused as longer as possible. While I long to spend time with Lolin'dar more, family affairs call me aside. I just wish I could steal one more kiss.

atama_luciros @ 2008-02-21T01:32:00

2008-02-21T18:50:21Z

Journal, I'm skipping a head a few pages because I want to try and forgot those memories. Yes, I'm still married. Imagine that.

But I haven't seen my husband in four days and counting...

Last night, I traveled to the Hand of Gul'Dan in Shadowmoon to find the only person outside of my immediate family that feels the pain and emptiness I feel, albeit just a bit different.

Lolin'dar has already begun a physical mutation from the Fel energies his body is absorbing. It pains me to see him like this, my heart was breaking and crying out for him. But he told me how alone he was and that no amount of power could ever fill the gap the loneliness created. I told him to come back home.

And he kissed me. Twice.

I'm not entirely sure what to make of it. All I could do was hug him and hold him before we both decided to head back to the Faol manor. He went to his room to rest, and instead of going back to the cottage home my husband made me just on the edge of the Faol's lands, I went back to my library. Lieben didn't touch anything save for putting a white sheet over the furniture. Right now I'm sitting in the old leather chair by the fire. I put a few logs in hopes to keep me warm for the night. The pups are laying on a cushion on the floor.

It's probably a good idea that Fingal and I haven't adopted children yet.

Every time I close my eyes, I see Lolin'dar.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

atama_luciros @ 2007-12-27T12:54:00

2007-12-27T18:00:38Z

I suppose an update is due for things, Journal. Sorry for neglecting you again, it's just been ... increasingly frustrating to say the least. I love my husband, I do, but sometimes, he just angers me to no end and I'm living on the verge of running away again because I simply can't handle this anymore. I even noticed Himmel has been gone. I can only hope he is finding some good refuge and able to meditate peacefully.

As for me, I long to go back to the Shadow Hold, but not to reclaim a seat at the council, just to be with the other 'family'. I hate to say it Journal, but I think I've made a lot of bad decisions in my life in hopes of a greater good only to see it smack me back in the face. I guess it's the realization of it all. I just remember things being better when we were lovers and things were carefree. There's no doubt he's my mate for life, my soul mate, but I need the distance. I need the large gap between us so I can go out and be myself for once.

It still hurts, Journal. It hurts to lie sometimes. But sometimes lies are necessary for the happiness of others...

atama_luciros @ 2007-11-13T11:49:00

2007-11-13T17:04:10Z

I can't say that things have been easy. It's been rather hard to be honest. I have no power at all now. I have no abilities, no strength, nothing. I am as weak and as frail as the last leaf on a dying tree. One gusty wind and I'll be over.

Too many times I've been tempted by the Book of Fel Names to regain everything that I have lost, but at what costs? I made a promise to my husband never to return to that magic and I nearly broke that promise yesterday. I threw the book into the fire.

He doesn't understand how much it hurts to be like this.

atama_luciros @ 2007-11-02T11:42:00

2007-11-02T16:18:54Z

Dearest Journal, I do apologize for not keeping you updated on a day-to-day basis. Try as I may, I keep getting swept away by my darling love and it's been one adventure after another. And by 'adventure' I don't mean exploring new lands and traveling to the far reaches of Draenor, no. My life has changed, and I think it's for the better. So much temptation has lured me back into thinking that I can help make a difference. For the good of myself and for the good of my people, our people.

I have been set free from the restraints and slavery of the Council. And while they may be making efforts to recapture me, I know I'm safe because I have my angel with me always. Journal, I cannot express the mere words that reflect my utter happiness and love for this man.

I'd write more, but I have to finish the touch-ups of my wedding dress. I'm so excited!

[And to celebrate, a happy new picture/layout and two new icons. Huzzah!]

atama_luciros @ 2007-10-22T03:36:00

2007-10-22T07:44:22Z

[OOC: A very sexy Mr. Fingal. Mmm, paladin...]

atama_luciros @ 2007-10-20T18:48:00

2007-10-20T23:00:18Z

Journal, a lot of things have happened over the past week that's made me rethink and also reconsider a lot of my current actions and goals. Not only have I given up on some of them, I feel I've made a complete turn around. All because of him.

I'm not really sure how to put this in words, journal, so I'll get straight to the point.

He asked me to marry him.

atama_luciros @ 2007-10-19T12:42:00

2007-10-19T16:50:41Z

If you're lost, you can look and you will find me
Time after time

For the past three nights, I've slept in his arms, wrapped in gentle skin and hard muscle. Every inch of warm flesh was curled around me, protecting me. For the first time in a long time, I was able to sleep soundly with my angel.

Weeks earlier I threatened to kill this angel. I wanted nothing to do with an infected paladin who was carrying the Scourge, but random events began to change things. And soon things were changing between us. What I thought was a fluke in fate turned out to be a guiding hand that brought us together. Then I discovered even more when Temius admitted he had sabotaged the locking mechanism on the bathroom door. And for that, I thanked him with a smile. That evening locked in the bathroom with the paladin changed everything.

The next day, Fingal had gotten sick with a cold. I spent time with him as he laid in bed. We talked together and he told me I had to take my own advice, advice I had giving him about risks and taking chances. I smiled at him and nodded, agreeing with him. Then he started talking about things that I thought were ... well, I wasn't sure what to think of them. I saw him earlier in the day taking medicine. I assured myself it was medicine talking. I lied to myself repeatedly. But he wasn't. He was telling the truth. He said he was freezing even under the blankets and with the fire in his room burning. He wanted me to lay with him and so I did.

I'm glad I did. I'm glad I took a chance. In truth, I was terrified. I didn't know what to expect. But I found myself wrapped in his arms, making the most sweetest love with him. I was exhausted, tired and love-drunk with his passion. I couldn't remember the last time I felt so complete with someone else. But while we laid besides each other, I started to have second thoughts. Maybe he was just being nice to me. Maybe I was a part of some game and he was teasing.

No, no, it wasn't like that. I was wrong. I was so wrong.

We slept nearly all night and all day. Sometimes I'd wake up to see where I was and found myself in his room. I'd rolled back down, he'd roll over next to me. I'd flop over top of him, he pin me under his arms. Eventually we woke up late in the evening, dressed and decided to get food. We held hands as we walked throughout the mansion together, smiling. Teasing. Swatting hands. Cold ice cubes. Wine. Hugs. Kisses. And one delicious stew. And back to my room.

In the morning, I woke, bathed and went to my sister's indoor garden. I had been spending a great deal of time in the greenhouse full of exotic plant life. There was something I found incredibly amazing about being surrounded by so much strange beauty. I also enjoyed watching my sister work and tend to her herbs. She knew how to brew potions and elixirs and passed on this knowledge to her eldest son. She was practically skilled in just about everything she did.

'I love him,' I spoke to her telepathically. I drew my knees in, smoothing out the wrinkles in my light tan colored pants. I pressed my fingers between my bare toes and looked over at Lieben.

My sister, who always questioned the relationships I had before and even threatened my previous lovers, nodded to my words and then turned to look at me with a smile on her face. 'I know. I can tell. It's like he totally changed you around. I wonder how long this will keep up.'

'Please don't say it like that, Lieben.'

'I'm sorry, Ata. You know how much I worry about you when you get like this. Especially when you're no longer using that leech of Fel energy. I am happy for you, Atama. I really am. But I'm also worried too.' She turned back to the potted plant sitting before her. She added some soil to the pot and sprinkled a mix of her own formulated plant food and then added water. I sighed and rested my chin on my knees. Lieben shook her head and walked over to me, placing a small flower in my hair. 'I love you, brother, I want you to know that. I just want you to know that I'm always looking out for you. I'm cheering for you. For you and Fingal, all right?'

I lifted my head and smiled brightly with a nod to her. I put my arms around her waist and hugged her. 'Thank you, Lieben.'

Later that afternoon, I found Fingal working out in the smithing stable. It smelled of burning metal and coal. I was wrapped in my fur coat when I left the manor to go see him. He didn't notice me slip in so I decided to play a seemingly harmless prank. I went back outside and scooped up a snowball in my gloved hands and then snuck back inside to throw the melting snowball at his back. But it caused more harm than intended. Surprised, he turned, spilling molten ore over the ground and even some of his arm. He belted out a cry and threw his arm into a barrel of water. I felt so horrible, I wanted to cry. I held my hands up, apologizing and bowing to him repeatedly. "Oh my gods, Fingal, I'm so sorry! I didn't... I didn't ... I..."

He was laughing. What the hell? Why was he laughing? "Light, that stung. You know, Sweets, it's considered bad form to throw snowballs in a forge." 'Sweets' was my new nickname, the name he called me. Only he could call me that.

"I'm so, so sorry!" I pleaded with him.

"Nothing to apologize about. Although, if you do it again I'll have to put you over my knee," he said with another laugh.

"Do you... do you want anything from the house...?" I asked him, suddenly feeling horrible for what I just done even though he assured me everything was okay.

Fingal puts a hand to my chin and lifted it up. "Mmm, not really. I'll have something when I come in, later." He leaned down and brushed his lips over mine. "Thank you though."

I nodded and smiled at him. I pulled out a decorative piece of mageweave cloth and wiped it over his brow. "All right."

We talked for a little bit longer and then I excused myself, having my own work to do in the house. I kept my hands behind my back, staring up at the gray skies that lingered over our home. I felt a quiet comfort and security building in me, a new found confidence. Maybe this was it? Maybe this was my chance. When I went back inside, I went straight to my room and pulled opened my journal. There was an brief entry written on a page. I didn't want to tear it out, I kept it in there.

I turned to the first blank page and quickly wrote with a soaked quill:

This isn't as good as it gets. It only gets better from here.

I spent the rest of the afternoon helping Lieben pull out decorations for Hallow's End. I was overly pleased with my physical progress, able to lift more weight than I would usually allow myself. I would hold things for Lieben while she would go up and down the steps towards the attic where she kept most of the decorative belongings. At the end of the day, I was so tired, I didn't even take a bath. I drew on my loose sleeping pants and crawled right into bed. I didn't even notice Fingal come in later that night, but when I woke up the next morning, he was there besides me. I smiled and leaned down to kiss his forehead and then put my feet in my fuzzy slippers and hurried downstairs while pulling on a shirt. Lieben wanted me to help her decorate the house before most of the people woke up and I did just that. While I was able to manage the smaller stuff, she bounced back between the common room and the kitchen, making pumpkin pies for the nights of festivities ahead. I was glad to help her for once, I felt more useful and more younger, more bubbly and bouncy.

When Lieben went to go check on some new pies, I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and drag me back into a hug. I jumped from being startled and turned around to see Fingal. "The house looks wonderful. Did you and Lieben do all of it?"

"Yes, we did it this morning." I grinned.

"You should have woken me up, I would have helped."

The one thing about being short is how much I had to lean up on my toes to get something. And in this case, I was constantly reaching to put my arms around Fingal's shoulders. "I didn't want to wake you, you looked pretty tired after all that work you did yesterday."

"I just think it's a shame when I have to wake up without you next to me," he said and then gave me a quick kiss.

"I'll keep that in mind next time."

The next time? Every time. Every time I hoped to find myself just as we were later that afternoon. After helping Lieben decorate, I stole off with a small batch of chocolate covered strawberries and hid in my room while Lieben threatened to beat me. When it was safe to come out, I ushered Fingal into my room with me where we toyed and teased each other with the delicious treat. Clothes were thrown on the floor, melted chocolate still smeared over our fingertips. Another afternoon blown in each other's arms. Not that I minded it at all. I could stay like this always. I loved the feeling of his form around me. I enjoyed the love we made together. Earlier I told him how scared I was to fall in love again. I didn't want to be left behind like the others had done to me. He shook his head and told me clearly that he wouldn't do such a thing.

Tired, all I could do was mouth a silent 'I love you' to him. He brought his arms around me and drew me close to his warm body.

"I love you too, sweetness," he said cooly.

"Thank you... for everything."

"For what, Sweets?"

"Being so kind to me. Giving me hope. Giving me a chance," I said, looking at him. My fingers grazed over his cheek gently while I searched his face for any sign of regret or even hate.

"You were worth taking that chance, love."

Was I really? I could only hope. I just knew that I loved him and he loved me. I could depend on him for almost anything. It was funny to think how my dislike for him grew into a fully bloomed love. I could safely say I was happy now. Happy with myself and happy with him, Fingal...my angel. Each day would no longer be a burden or hellish nightmare, but a good day. And I wanted to be there for him too, I wanted him to know I would always be there any time, every time.

If you fall, I will catch you
I'll be waiting
Time after time

atama_luciros @ 2007-10-18T20:36:00

2007-10-19T00:44:09Z

[Rather long.]

After the incident with the infernal, I felt completely exhausted and drained. And normally in these times, I would pamper myself with a long, pleasing and soothing bath, however, with the plumbing in the family's wing still down, I had to resort to using the more public one in the other wing. Rest assure that I was no more amused by this than Lieben was. I wanted my own tub streaming jets of hot water in my own room, but alas. But then ... the events tonight made me reconsider if I really wanted to do otherwise...

I filled the large tub basin with hot water and mixed in my own selection of sweet-smelling oils and a bubbly concoction. I would be certain to hear the door this time in anyone knocked. But then I forgot I had my glasses on and I sat up in the tub, extending an arm to put them on a nearby shelf. When I couldn't reach, I sighed and leaned up a little bit, placing my glass rightfully on the edge of the shelf. But I had lost my footing and I slipped back into the tub face first.

I grumbled to myself, fuming at my own stupidity with my head in the water. The displacement from my body causing some of the water to go over the edge of the tub. And yet I remained there for a few moments, mentally smacking myself until I sat up fully, gasping for air and pulling my wet hair back.

Fingal winced as some water from my hair hit him in the face. He sighs and leans against the wall. "Ever get the feeling we're being manipulated by some big hand in the sky?"

I squeaked and turned around. I felt my heart quicken. I nodded slowly and sighed. "Yes... yes, I get that feeling a lot..."

"I knocked this time..."

"I didn't hear you...Hmm, I was putting my glasses on the shelf and then I slipped and fell in the water... must've been then... sorry," I explained to him. I sunk down into the water and blew bubbles with my mouth.

Fingal chuckles and rubs his eyes. "It's fine. Sorry to interrupt... again..."

"I won't be long..."

"I'll just leave you to your bath." He turns and grabbed the handle. A look of frustration came over his face as he jerked the doorknob harder. "What the hells..."

"What's the matter...?" I asked, leaned over the side of the tub.

"Come on you stupid thing!" Fingal slammed his shoulder against the door. He leaned his head against the door in defeat. "...It's locked..."

"... locked? What do you mean it's locked? Can't you unlock it? It's just a simple door lock..." I bent over the edge of the tub's side to grab my soap and scrubby brush.

"Don't you think I've tried... It must have warped in the steam or something..."

"Normally, I'd be panicking in this situation, but I've had enough crazy shite going on for one day, so I'm going to enjoy my bath and deal with it later..." And that was the truth. I had my fair share of craziness for one day. Temius and burning my tongue with scalding hot cocoa...then this again. I sighed. I wasn't sure what else I could do to fix the situation we were currently sitting in. Well, I was sitting in the tub. And if he wanted to join... I slid over to one side of the bathtub. I ran the soapy brush over my arm and looked at Fingal. He raised a brow at me. "...what?"

The paladin turned on his heels and started banging on the door. "Hello!? Anyone out there!?"

Fingal sighed a defeated sigh. He put his back against the door and slid down to the floor. "What the hell are we going to do?"

"Keep banging on the door until someone walks by...?"

"That... could be a problem...If someone opens the door and the two of us are in here... damn near naked... they might get the wrong idea..."

At this point, I was already scrubbing my hair with shampoo. "I'm pretty sure it's safe to say everyone knows it's not like that..." I said, secretly thinking to myself.

"Why do you suppose this keeps happening?"

I shrugged. "Because we have really bad timing? This wouldn't be happening if they'd fix the faulty welding on our side of the house." The goblin plumbers and housing engineers hadn't reach the estate yet and there was an unknown estimate as to when they would come. I only prayed it would be soon.

"I think I'll just bathe outside until it gets fixed...Bathed in cold rivers before after all...Frostbite is a constant worry but it couldn't be much worse than the burning embarrassment..."

"That can't be good for you..." I shuddered and stood up,my back facing Fingal. I stepped over the rim and grabbed a towel to wrap around my waist. I took another towel to wrap my hair to and twisted it upon of my head.

"And there are those fish that swim up your urethra and then stick out spines... lodging themselves there..."

"That's disgusting..." I choked, leaning against the wall with one hand.

"Not so much disgusting as painful... the only way to get it out is to amputate..."

I shrugged and sat on the edge of the tub that was still filled with water. I grabbed a light blue bottle and opened it, pouring a light colored lotion in my hands that I rubbed into my arms. "That's... yea, that's pretty painful..."

"And let's not forget the wandering bears..."

I gave him one serious, disbelieving look. "C'mon, it's just a bear..."

"Trying to fend of a bear while completely starkers is unpleasant..."

"What are you doing fighting bears naked to begin with?! That's just crazy!"

I walked towards the door, I peered at the knob and lock, trying to figuring out how we were locked in when the locking mechanism was clearly on our side, yet the door did not want to budge. While toying with the door, Fingal had ran a fresh bath and got in. I could hear him sigh in relief...it was more like a moan. Now I was the one panicking, I couldn't stand it anymore. He was right, we had to get out. I didn't care who opened the door or what they would've suspected. I wanted to get out now! "Temi...? Lieben...? Someone...?"

"Now who needs to relax?" Fingal chuckled. "You're right, I really shouldn't have worried."

"Well I am!" While stepping backwards, I started to cite a spell and threw my hands forward as a bolt of shadow energy slammed into the door....and did nothing.

"Don't blow us up," the paladin said, washing himself cleaning with a bar of soap. When he finished he stood up in the tub.

"You stupid sonovabitch! Why must she install these doors?!" I cried out, picking up a bottle of whatever I could grab and threw it at the door. The counter balance of my throw and the water on the floor made my foot give out. I felt myself starting to fall backwards.

Fingal leaned out and caught me in his arms. "Careful, it's slippery." I was bent over backwards, looking up at him. He brought me back up to my feet and then looked around. "Damnit, I forgot my towel."

The towel on my head loosened and fell over my head.

"Eh, suppose I'll just drip dry."

Gods, no. Please... I can't handle this, I thought. I pulled the towel off my head and handed it to him.

"It's a bit damp."

"At least... it's a towel..." I was visibly shaking at this point. I could feel my body twitching. I couldn't tell if it was due to the embarrassment or the lack of mana in my system.

"It's fine, thanks for offer but I'll just put my bathrobe on."

"Please do..."

I crawled up in a corner and hugged my knees to my chest. This was uncomfortable for the both of us, I could tell, but more so for me. I need a quick hit, I had to tap for something. If I didn't, I didn't know how I was going to react if we did get free. He grabbed his bag he brought with him and pulled out a bottle of bourbon, sitting besides me. He offered me a drink and we started talking over the bottle. He spoke about his past and mistakes he had made in the Ranger Corp. I felt myself relaxing now in my drunken stupor. Occasionally I would lean up against him to smile or laugh or show that I was interested in what he was saying. He told me about the tattoo his had on his chest and story behind it. I had no interesting stories to tell him. But I wanted him to talk, maybe it would help him get more comfortable with me.

"So I got the tattoo to remember her and all those friends that died. And to remind that my actions have consequences for others," Fingal said, taking a heavy drink of the alcohol.

I fingered over the tattoo, looking at it carefully. "Mistakes are made... sometimes they can't be helped..."

"If I had listened to my captain and done my job, she would be alive, we would probably have been married..." Fingal then started to laugh. I looked at him as though he had lost his mind. "See what I mean? People that get close to me die. Light... I'm a menace."

"Doesn't mean that's it's destined to always happen...No... I don't think so... not anymore at least..."

"How do I justify taking that chance?" the paladin asked.

"By taking those chances... what's life without risks? Live for moment, the future... everything that's worth living for... it's all worth it..." I said.

Fingal sighed. "You're right, I know you are... but it's frightening all the same. I don't want to start caring about someone and then lose them again."

"I took a risk when I kissed you. I thought you were going to beat me to a bloody pulp. But I wouldn't have known what was going to happen if I didn't take that risk..." The memory of kissing him still burned brightly in my mind. It was something I couldn't forget, something I wouldn't forget. A reaction. That's all I wanted from him. A reaction. "You have to deal with the consequences, of course, but at the same time, at least you know what to do and what not to do next time..."

He looked at me and asked why him. I told him simply, "Why not?". He didn't see any possible connection between a paladin and warlock, someone who worshiped the Light and someone who consorted with demons. "Should have brought a bigger bottle... Didn't think I'd have a drinking companion though. Or be locked in for that matter."

I knew what I wanted now. I was certain of it. I needed to tell him. Without words. I was hesitant at first, but I nodded to myself and moved closer to him, kissing the corner of his mouth. There was a long moment of silence until I drew away and leaned my head against his shoulder. "Shouldn't be too long..."

Fingal reached up and touched his lips with his fingers. "I... Nevermind."

"Hmm? What is it?" I asked curiously.

"I don't know... Part of me wants to lean down and kiss you... the other part says that it would be wrong..."

"How could it be wrong?"

"I'm seeing someone... or... I think I am... If she ever appears again..."

"I certain that whatever occurs in this bathroom will stay in this bathroom..." I tried to assure him.

"...I would know... I'm not sure...Can you live with just tonight?"

"It wouldn't hurt my feelings either way."

"Then tonight," he said, nodding firmly. I couldn't help but laugh at him. His face drew red and he looked offended. "This really isn't the time to be laughing... "

I was going to say something when I heard a loud click. I got up to my feet instantly and scrambled to the door. A twist of the knob and it swung right open. Fingal blinked and then began to laugh in a rather crazed tone. "Yes, of course..."

I walked towards him and held out my hand. "C'mon... before sleep deprivation makes us go stir crazy..." Fingal took my hand and stood up, still laughing. I couldn't help but smile myself. I walked around the bathroom, picking up my belongings before leaving the bathroom. I started to head towards my own room when Fingal stepped out behind me, holding his things in his arms as well.

"Now what the hell am I supposed to do..."

I turned around in the hallway and looked at him. "Take a risk... doesn't hurt to take a chance..." Once I had gotten to my door, I glanced over my shoulder to see that he had followed me back to my room. I shook my head and smiled, then tossed my things inside before turning around to greet him. Slowly, I drew a finger along his jaw and then leaned up to kiss his lips. No shy kisses. No hesitation. A pure, genuine kiss. If he didn't know then, he would definitely know now. But now ... I couldn't invite him in, not just yet. "Go on and get some sleep, okay?"

Fingal nodded and stalked back to his room. He disappeared down the dark hall. The clocks throughout the house chimed five in the morning. Nothing else was stirring in the home save for us. I went into my room and collapsed on my own circular bed. I drew off my towel and threw it on the floor and slid under the warm blankets of my soft bed. That night, I went to sleep with a smile.

atama_luciros @ 2007-10-18T01:47:00

2007-10-18T05:54:42Z

When I woke up, I found myself still wrapped in the blanket and laying across the giant leather couch in front of a cold fireplace. It took a moment for me to recollect my thoughts and try to remember why I wasn't in my own bed. Then it hit me. I wouldn't nudge nor move him, I would simply let him rest. It would be extremely vital at this point to leave the paladin be.

I spent the good portion of my day running errands and getting some work done. I had flown between the Undercity and Silvermoon to pick up other packages for people as well. Strangely enough, I didn't grow tired and pushed myself physically though it was straining my heart. I just wanted to get everything done and out the way. I wanted to get home and just ... smile.

Towards the end of the day, I finally returned home and went to my room to find Fingal awake. We talked briefly and brought him some food and water to eat. He asked about my back and told him how well I was doing. He seemed rather pleased with this. As was I.

But our conversation was soon over when a hurling mass of rock passed over the manor and crash landed into the front courtyard. I pressed my hands to my window and looked outside as giant infernal was crawling out of the meteor hole it created. And then it started stalking towards something...a young warlock named Beviin.

"What the... damnit!" I cursed, nearly flying down the steps as I hurried to get out of the house. I scowled as I busted through the manor doors, watching the infernal swing at Beviin with it's bolder arms. I conjured up a soul shard and drew my hands around it, muttering words to the purple glowing shard before crushing the delicate thing in my hand. The splintered pieces of the shard pierced my hand, but it did exactly as intended to do.

Large barbed chains erupted from the ground and encircled the infernal, bringing it down to the ground. The beast gave out a defiant roar as Fel flames came from it's mouth. At least it would give us time. Fingal ran back inside the house and then returned a moment later covered in armor with his sword drawn.

Vehron, one of my latest pupils, came out of the house and stood besides me. "Master is there any way I can assist?"

Beviin looked down with embarrassment, uttering words of thanks to me.

Slowly, I approached the infernal, speaking indirectly to Vehron. "Take Beviin back inside... go back inside, both of you."

I knelt down before the infernal, hoping to soothe it down with subtle curses that would render it helpless, but I was sorely mistaken. The beast roared furiously at me, the chains binding it down shattering.

Fingal leaped at the demon, drawing his sword into the leg of the creature. "Atama, get inside! I've got this."

"No, I'm staying here!" I stood up, my hands glowing bright red and orange as I shot forward a wall of fire at the beast, but the incineration was quickly consumed, the infernal was immune to the spell. I cursed at myself for being so reckless.

Fingal continued his holy attack against the demon, not stopping for an instant. Chunks and pieces of the demon were beginning to fall from it. Then Fingal sprouted a pair of beautiful ethereal wings from his back. I couldn't help but stare in awe at this. But then I realized my place and I had to help.

I drew forth another soul shard, this one molded into a perfect sphere. Inside, it glowed with the stolen soul and the hell fire that wrapped around it. The soul crystal hovered between my hands before shattering like delicate glass between my palms. My hands were already sore from the enslavement spell and now both of them were riddled with broken crystal. But I couldn't focus on the pain, I had to conjure up the power to knock this beast down for good.

"Move, Fingal!" A burning aura of fire laced around my hands as I brought forth a large, growing rock, hovering between my hands. It continued to grow in size and the color shifted from burning orange and red to a brilliant Fel green.

Fingal knocked the infernal off balance with a shoulder to it's leg and then moved back. "What are you planning?"

I opened my eyes, my vision had changed. They focused on the demon. I could see more clearly now. If I can't enslave you, I whispered to it in Eredun, I will destroy you. I could tell, my eyes had changed color again...back to the dangerous Fel green they used to be. "Soul Fire!"

Fingal threw up a shield to protect him from the flames and launched himself at the infernal again. A huge chunk of stone flies off of the infernal as his sword impacts it. The infernal gives one last furious roar of protest and then collapses into broken bits of smoldering rock.

I held a hand to my head, breathing hard. I felt my power exhausted.

"Are you okay?" Fingal asked, rushing up to me.

Vehron came out of the house, cheering. "Nicely done sir!" He held out a flask of water to me. I took the flask of water, guzzling down, but it did not quench my thirst.

I dropped to my knees, but not before grabbing on to Fingal's arm. "Mana..."

Fingal dipped a hand into his belt pouch and pulled out a small blue potion. "Here, drink this."

When I finished the water, I drank heavily from the vial, some of the blue potion slipping down my lips and chin. I clung to Fingal's arm with my bleeding hards, still pierced with pieces of glass from the broken shards. I looked to Vehron, "Is Beviin all right...?"

"Yes master he is fine... shaken, but fine."

"Not when I'm done with him," Fingal said. He took my hands and begins to pick out most of the glass shards and then channeled healing energy through to me. The wounds began to heal.

"Please sir Fingal, do not be so hard on him," Vehron pleaded.

"He'll be lucky if all I did is hurt him."

Fearing for the young warlock, I put my arms around Fingal's neck, whispering into his ear. "Please, he didn't know... please..."

"That idiot, he put the whole household in danger," the paladin said, staring back at the house.

"The beast was hardly any real threat to the might of the house..." Vehron replied, trying to speak reassuringly.

"There are untrained people living here, if one of them had been caught..."

"No doubt such a majestic beast would of made short work of one such as myself...so the threat I am aware of....but you and Master Atama are here.. and all is well."

"And if we were not here?"

"Can we please go inside now....?" I interrupted, looking between them both. I tried to get to my feet, but slipped and fell into the dirty snow. I shut my eyes, feeling incredibly weak. I must've looked weak too. I couldn't believe how pathetic I felt too. Then I felt arms around me, picking me up.

Fingal held me in his arms, carrying me back inside the estate. He paused when he walked by Beviin. "You and I will have words later, boy." The paladin had carried me back into my room, gently laying me out on my bed. "You shouldn't have strained yourself, not after last night."

"It couldn't be helped..." I murmered, holding on to his hand.

"Learn to trust in your friends, I could have handled that."

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't worry about it. We made it through."

He was right. We made it through, together. I only wondered what would've happened if Fingal wasn't there. All I could think about was the glowing wings extended from his back. He was becoming something of a guardian angel to me. I had to learn to trust him. I had to be more confident in myself and in him. Then that night, I learned I could trust him. I gave him advice, but then...

atama_luciros @ 2007-10-15T19:45:00

2007-10-15T23:52:48Z

Can you blame me for feeling the way I do? It's hurting deep in my chest. And I just want to scream out loud at the top of my lungs and break free of this torment. I wanted to bang my head against a wall and kick myself in the ass for letting my defenses down, but can you really blame me? Can you? Somewhere in my burning jealousy for the other happy couples, I just wanted my own slice of the happiness, something I felt was so denied to me when I was denying myself. Can I indulge for just one moment and test the waters? Can I torture myself and bring about my ultimate destruction by falling in love? Yes, yes, I can. But I can't...not now... not like this...

I was given freedom...

It hurts! It hurts so much! Please stop it! Please!! I opened my mouth and let out hair-splitting scream. Smoke tendrils steamed off my back and hissed violently from the holy energy that was being channeled into me. My arms were wrapped around a pillow as Fingal kept his hands down on my back, uttering his prayers into me. I could feel the Fel energy being drained out of my body. I felt like I was dying slowly in the most painful, agonizing way. My nails were digging into the pillow, tearing into the sheer fabric. In a desperate attempt not to alarm anyone else in the house, I sank my teeth into my forearm, muffling my screams. He said the sedative state would dull the pain, I wouldn't feel anything. But if this pain was decreased, I certain if I felt the full effects of it, I would probably die.

The demonic essence that lingered in my back, given to me by Banehallow for my disobedience, lost it's green glow, but the scar still remained. I was left in a state of shock, confusion, and above all despair. It actually worked this time. Where so many others have failed, Fingal finally gave me freedom from the Council's cursed that was placed on me. But what then? How would I live? I would still have my power, but I would have to tap sources to control my addiction to the feed of energy. But I didn't want to tell him this! I didn't want him to know that the good deed would... it would...

Fingal stood up and wiped a hand over his face. "How does it feel?"

"I feel so tired..." I muttered, my vision was blurry now, even more than before. I tried to focus my eyes and glanced to the small mirror that stood on the side table by my bed. I gave out a small gasp. I could finally see my true eye color, a light and frosty blue. For once, I found myself beautiful...

"The taint fought back hard. It took as much of your energy as it did mine. But... I think we were succesful." He sat down on the edge of my bed, breathing hard.

I moved towards him, pressing my hand and cheek to his back. I could hear his heart pounding in his chest, but I was too weak to anything for him. I sighed against his warm flesh. "Thank you... so much..."

"Least... Least I could do... hope it... helped..." he uttered out before falling backwards onto the bed.

"Fingal...? Fingal...!" I frowned and panicked. I looked around for help, but Thoo was gone for the moment. I tried to pull the paladin onto my bed and tucked a pillow under his head before slipping off to go find a mana potion. I rummaged through my own desk before finding a blue vial. I brought it back to the bed and crawled over to Fingal, brushing a finger over his lips to part them before pouring the mana potion into his mouth.

After a moment, Fingal's eyes flutter open slightly. "Hey, your eyes are blue..."

"Yea... they are..."

"Looks good on you."

"Th-thank you..." I instantly blushed and edged away from him to give him a bit of room.

"Heh... that sure took it out of me... How does it feel?"

"I feel fine... it stings a little, but I think that's just the healing and the shock and all."

"That's... that's good to hear."

"Are you going to be okay? You can stay here if you want to rest."

"Thank you... sounds... like a plan." He closed his eyes and drew quiet. I watched over him briefly before deciding now would not be a good time to intervene as much as I wanted to.

I closed my own eyes and look a breath. I slipped off the side of the bed and walked to a closet to pull out a blanket. I shivered as I stood on the hard wood floor. There was still a fire going down on the first floor. I paced down the spiral staircase and sat down on the couch facing the fire. The leather was warm, but I still drew the blanket around my shoulders and laid down. Sleep would not come easy tonight. Not tonight.

I had to find Temius. I had to let him know.

The World's End tavern in the Lower City was a place where we had met and talked before. I sent him a note requesting that he come and meet me there. If anyone deserved to know the good news, it would definitely be Temius. I put him through hell and disappointed him. I wanted him to see and know that now, I'm a free man. More importantly, I was still going to be his friend.

"I don't know what to say... Congradulations for one... but this... What of the Legion? They did not grant this freedom. Won't they come 'after' you?" Temius said in my mind. His words sank for a moment in my mind.

I put a hand down on the table and leaned forward. "They will try, and try and fight they will... but I'll fight back this time! I won't be a slave anymore! I'm confident in myself..."

We continued to talk at our little table in the corner. Most of it reflected on my thoughts on how I should thank Fingal. Temius reminded me that with friends, thanks was barely needed. With friends, it comes natural to help each other out. I can safely say that I'm entirely proud to still be Temius' friend. I was scared that I was going to lose him. Temius has been my friend, my best friend, for a while. And because of my stupidity, I was breaking our friendship apart. But I hope now, with these wounds healed, I can help mend the breaks and bruises that I caused between Temius and myself. Maybe with this new confidence, I can mend other wounds...

I caught a portal back to Silvermoon and left through the land of Quel'Thalas, heading south towards the plaguelands. It was going to be a bit of a long journey back home, but I wanted to go back to my library and be at peace with myself. I wanted to focus and concentrate, meditate, and get over this mana feeding addiction. I wrecked part of Himmel's alchemy laboratory trying to find mana potions to siphon from. Stressed, I started to panic and Lieben came to my aid. She spent a better portion of the morning brewing mana potions for me. I don't know what I'd do without my sister. I don't know what I'd do without any of them.

She stacked my medicine cabinet with the potions and patted my head. We both had our bit of errands to do for the day, meeting with Temius was one of them. But I had some tailoring requests to do and figured out the cost of supplies. At the end of the day, I really just wanted to relax and maybe see the paladin smile. If anything, smile for me.

atama_luciros @ 2007-10-14T19:27:00

2007-10-14T23:36:36Z

After apologizing, things seemed to have settled down. I still felt a bit uncomfortable being near Fingal, but that discomfort would soon change.

The convocates felt it necessary to hold another costume party. This one wasn't as big and as fancy as the previous one, but it was nice to get out and revisit some old friends. Valandiil and his latest fling was there. Elexandre and Aramalia were hosting. Liore showed up dressed as a Magister. And while I'm still relatively pissed at the hunter for his extreme lack of respect, he still looked rather good. I'm beginning to suspect that if he kept up the act, he could pass as a decent scholar. But first he needs to learn how to read. Maybe if he got his head out of Himmel's ass for once...

I showed up in my same costume from before; a blue hood and mask, black spiked pauldrons, an ancient yet beautifully sewn kilt, and my Soul Harvester. Most people think that the scarred branding on my back from the Burning Legion is part of my costume, but it really isn't. So I don't bother to cover it. It's not something I wear with pride, but it is vital to my being.

There are many costumes in all, everyone dressed fittingly and interesting. There's an elf, tall and muscular, dressed as a barbarian. I can't tell who it is because I can't see his face from the helmet. I don't talk to many people, only a few, faces I recognize. I chat here, I chat there... it becomes rather boring. After a few moments, the barbarian removes his helm and it's the paladin. It's Fingal. He doesn't seem too well in this particular setting. There are so many people standing around him, but no one seems to take interest. I begin to empathize for him, no one talks to me either. We're just wall flowers in a rich social life that we can't take part of. It's just not in our nature, not in our style. But I want to change that...

I approach him cautiously, I don't want to startle or scare him. We talk briefly about the party. Yes, it's not that great and we really don't belong here. He says he has some work to do and I assure him he'll be missed when he leaves. He smiles, I smile, and we go our separate ways. The party is starting to break up itself and not many people are left. I sighed, figuring it was time to go home anyway. The problem with costumes is how heavy they can be and how obnoxious they are to wear. Even with my mask off, I still feel winded and tired.

I'm starting to think that maybe, possibly, I was wrong. And this mute silence, this blank mask of endless questions is what I really am. While I'm known for my harsh words and brute attacks on people, I'm generally a very quiet person. I tend to keep to myself and don't really partake in too many social events. I used to be happening and flamboyant, but that was all just a phase. I see myself in two masks; one of defiant, demonic assurance. A scholar and noble, but sometimes rebellious servant of the Council. The other mask is plain and simple. A scholar true to his knowledge, a teacher, and friend to those that seek it ... a hopeless romantic. I wonder if other people have as many facades as I do...

After reaching the Faol estate, I stabled Kain and went through the kitchen doors. There was a nice, large note on the ice box:

Faol-side plumbing is busted, we will be using the public bathroom. Don't make a mess! Clean up after yourself!

"You've got to be kidding me..." I whispered, reading the note over. I started to panic, this was horrible! How could the plumbing on the other side of the house gone bad?! Now I have to bathe in the same bathtub everyone else uses?! That's disgusting! In my current state of misery, I opened the ice box up to find a freshly made and cold pumpkin pie. I grabbed a fork, took the pie to a table and started to dig right in. Eating always seemed to help with the depression and I was beginning to feel better already until I noticed I had eaten two-thirds of the pie. Even more panic set in. I threw the fork into the pie dish and shoved the pie back into the ice box. Maybe Lieben will suspect it was someone else...

As I walked through the manor, I didn't notice many people were home. This was a very good thing. I could bathe in peace and quiet. And that's what I sent off to do. Once I reached the second level of my library, I grabbed a fuzzy towel and gathered an assortment soaps, oils, and lotions together. from there, I made it back to the other side of the manor and knocked on the door to make sure no one was in there first. A sigh of relief escaped when no one responded. I walked in and shut the door behind me. Laid out my supplies and disrobed. The faucets ran hot water at just the right temperature for me. I added my own concoction of sweet-smelling oils and then sank into the tub with a sigh of relaxation this time. Everything wasn't as bad as it seemed.

I dipped a towel into the water and placed it over my face for a moment, leaning back for my hair to soak up the water and get wet for a good, scrubbing shampoo. I sat back up, applied the bubbly goop to my hair and drew my nails through the silver hair and rubbed into my scalp. I miss my tub, I really do, but this will have to do for now. And it wasn't that bad. The bathroom was white with towel racks against the walls. The oil lanterns gave off a nice glow too. My tub just sat behind a folding wall with my other things. I looked around for a moment before dipping my head back down to rinse out the shampoo. When I sat up, I felt the hot water go down my back and then...

A groan.

I was sitting in the tub with my back facing the door. When I turned around to see where the groan had come from, I was staring at Fingal. A very naked Fingal who slipped in when I was sinking my hair in the tub. He quickly covered himself when I started to flail my arms about. "What the hell are you doing?!"

He had turned a bright shade of red. "...Taking a bath?"

"Didn't you see the notice downstairs!? The family's side plumbing is busted! We all have to share the bathroom here!" I cried out, still splashing water all over the place.

"I didn't see a notice... and... and the door was unlocked... I didn't think there was anyone in here," he swallowed.

I kept my back to him as I groaned myself and stood up. I couldn't look at him, I couldn't think of anything to say. I threw a towel back around my waist and gathered my things up. I wanted to run away, in fact, it seemed like a good idea at the time and down the hall - a wet, soaking mess - I ran. I didn't realize how fast I was running until I slammed into my door and fumbled to grab the knob and turn it. Once inside, I threw my lotions and oils to the ground and shuffled into a pair of loose fitting pajama pants. I felt myself drawn to the large mirror by my bed, I drew my hand over my face as I looked at my reflection. It seemed to be laughing at me. The reflection was my other mask, my "I told you so" mask.

I paused in front of a large standing mirror, turning my back slowly so I could see the burned, darkened scar that covered most of my back. I frowned at it, reaching an arm behind my back to touch the rugged skin. I turned to face the mirror properly. I placed a hand to the reflecting glass and lowered my head, a deep frown setting in.

So hard I worked to toughen myself on the inside and the outside only to have it shatter all over again because I am a stupid clutz. Where was my confidence now? Where was my devotion? My conviction? I was hurting so bad on the inside. I wanted to cry. No mask could hide this.

atama_luciros @ 2007-10-14T19:26:00

2007-10-14T23:33:42Z

It all started as a misunderstanding the other night. I wasn't sick, I was just having a fit. Anxiety, excitement, anger. A bunch of feelings that I thought were long since gone. I hate to admit that I'm wrong sometimes, but I was wrong about this. I could hate myself even more if I wanted to, and I guess, for a little bit, I was doing just that. All over a simple kiss.

If there were other-worldly forces at play here, I would smack them senseless for causing all this misery. Three times this week, one night after the other, time after time...maybe it's coincidence? Maybe it's fate. Each moment, an embarrassment after another. Each time, I ran away, scared and unable to stand up straight. All I wanted was to have a moment alone, but it seemed that every time I left my room, he was there. Somehow, he was there.

Even in Silvermoon, he was there...

I had spoken to Valandiil about my sudden discomfort. Valandiil always had a way of renewing my confidence, but this time was harder. I would even have to resist Val's tempting wiles and remain calm. But still, he built me up to do the task at hand; apologize.

When I had set off from the inn room to head home, I didn't need to look far to find the paladin. He was sitting alone at the table in the inn, minding his own drink which he seemed to stare in as if expecting answers as well.

I approached carefully. I wasn't sure what type of mood he was in and I didn't want to hurt or anger him further. "Um...Fingal?"

"Oh, Atama. What's up?"

I pulled off my hat and went to spoke when he offered me a seat at the table. I slunk over to the chair and sat down.

"Go on," he said.

"I was saying that, it would've been easier for me to say what I am rather than to do what I did. I didn't want to hurt anyone. And I'm sorry for this misunderstanding." I spoke in my calmest tone, trying hard to keep my words simple and to the point.

"It's fine. I was as much to blame... I... I didn't mean to offend you..."

"No, no, I'm not offended at all," I said reassuringly, but I was uncertain if it would get across. I really wasn't offended. I fumbled with the hat in my lap, staring down at it fondly as if the hat understood my concern.

The paladin ran a finger over the edge of his mug, still looking into the ale. "I've just never thought of another man in... that way... It was just a bit of a shock is all."

"I'm not really sure how to explain it or the 'why' of it... it's just ... a preference. I guess it's just natural for some..." I could think of several whys, but their were my own personal reasons.

"And I understand that. It doesn't bother me. I mean, I married Himmel and Liore for Light's sake...Look... It is a bit difficult for me to believe that anyone would be interested in me... Which added to the shock considerably..."

"Why do you think someone wouldn't be interested in you? What's there not to like?" I asked. I was curious now. Fingal stood out more boldly than the rest of the Blackguards. Lieben would accept him as family if she could. Is that not interest? Perhaps it was a different interest then. "I mean, I know we got off on the wrong foot... but..."

He chuckled and shook his head. "I'm just an old soldier, I have nothing to offer anyone but my heart... I... just don't think that can be enough..."

I pulled my hat out of my lap and placed it up on the table. I spun it around carelessly. "You'd be surprised... it's more than just looks and other things... a lot, to me, is just honor and trust... If they honor you and you can trust them, that's what's important."

"Maybe that's true..." he said with a shrug.

"Maybe it isn't and deep down," I started, "I'm just a hopeless romantic with a passion for pain and---"

"If I wasn't in a relationship... I could see myself falling for you... But I am..."

I drew deadly silent for a moment. Here we were, someone a few weeks ago, I was hell-bent on killing, now having a normal conversation. I didn't know enough about Fingal, in fact, I didn't know anything about him aside from seeing him around and living in the same house. He was infected with a Scourge disease that I declared, if it wasn't cured, I would cure him myself by slaughtering him. After thinking on it, I brought myself together and decided to help aide in finding the cure instead of being a truly heartless bastard. His sudden death and resurrection cleared him of the disease and things seemed well for the most part. Since then, our random encounters were trying my patience and curiosity to know more about him. The night before when he thought I was ill (and I was beginning to think that for myself), in hopes of making him leave me alone, I kissed him. It seemed customary to do such, kissing or flirting with the same gender. That usually makes them panic and sends them away instantly, but that wasn't the case this time...

I pursed my lips for a moment and then spoke. "Listen... I'm not asking for a relationship and while... I just ... I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

"I'm... wary of getting too close to anyone... all the people I've ever cared for have either died or betrayed me... It... makes things hard..." he replied, glancing up at me.

I stood up, suddenly feeling very out of place. I uttered words of a jumbled apology.

"I'm sorry too... I wouldn't have done what I did if I knew it was making you uncomfortable," Fingal said. "I was just worried is all..."

I rubbed my upper arms nervously as I stood there. "I know. And thanks for trying to help. Really."

He assured me I would always find a friend in him, and for that, I was thankful, grateful. It was going to be the start of a good friendship. Or so it seemed. When I left the Silvermoon City Inn, I paused to look at a flier that was having on a bulletin board. It mentioned of a costume party to be held the next night outside of the Rising Sun. I suspected some friends would show up, so I decided to dress up as well. But nothing would prepare me for would happen tomorrow night...

atama_luciros @ 2007-10-12T11:56:00

2007-10-12T16:10:14Z

I kissed Fingal last night. It wasn't bad but it wasn't good either. But now he knows, right? It was more than just to prove something. It was to see his reaction. He didn't hit me or yell or anything. He said he was already involved with someone. Lucky him.

Thooroon keeps giving me this look.

I have work to do. ~~I can't get caught up in~~ ~~these things~~ ~~relationships~~ ~~I can't get~~ Just don't have the time.

Signed,
The Dull Boy

atama_luciros @ 2007-10-11T16:18:00

2007-10-11T20:55:49Z

Thooroon watched his elven companion search the contents of his desk and the bookshelves nearby. The Mo'arg shifted in his large seat and kept his eyes on the pacing elf. Atama stopped his movement and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. He then let out a discontent sigh. Everything was back in order, but there was something that was still troubling him.

"First Frieren. Now Temius. Who else do you think is going to show up to our humble home, hmm?" Atama scowled in Eredun.

Thooroon lifted his head. "Does it really bother you that Forsaken Temius is here in the manor?"

"No, I just ... I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. I know it's not my house and it's not my place to decide who comes and goes, but..."

"Perhaps you are scared to let your best friend see you in your natural element."

Atama stared at the Felguard. His lips were parted to speak, but he decided against it and flopped down on his couch, hugging a pillow to his chest. "I don't know, Thoo. I've been spending my life trying to keep people out so that I may continue my work - my legacy. And yet, every bump in the road is usually some person that either helps or hinders my progress. Temius hates me because of what happened with the Council. That's not something I can help. I hate being with the Council too, but how can I help if I ..."

"What you are doing is certainly brave by all means, but do you really want to be a martyr like before?" Thooroon said, sitting back against the soft cushions of his custom made chair.

Atama rolled to his side, his back facing the demon. "We all have to make sacrifices at some point in our life, Thoo."

"And nearly diving into the Twisting Nether is one of them?"

"That was for Lieben. My sister."

"But not by blood nor family."

The demon's words brought the warlock back up into a sitting position. "Blood is thicker than water, Thooroon. She may not be my real sister, but she's pretty damn close! I would trade Frieren to the Slave Pens myself if Lieben could share the same flesh and blood as me!"

Thooroon said nothing, but emitted a low sigh.

"I don't expect you to understand the emotional attributes us sentients have, demon. You're engineered after all. You understand the importance of life and death, but you can't understand the sacrifices we make for our own families."

The Mo'arg stood up and grabbed his axe. He swung it upon his shoulder and stared down at Atama. "And yet you don't understand your own sacrifices..." He grunted and walked out of his master's chambers.

atama_luciros @ 2007-10-11T00:44:00

2007-10-11T04:55:19Z

So my long dead, Scourge-infested twin sister has returned to our home to wreck havoc upon our household, steal my research notes, and get thrown in the mansion's dungeons. Then Temius arrives to live with us, escaping from the Forsaken Shadow. Then Fingal D'Argider dies a hero's death.

Can this night possibly get any worse? ~~I'm still having mixed feelings about bringing Lo~~ I would write more but I'm very tired and exhausted from running in that forsaken snow earlier just to catch Frieren.

Someone get me out of this house...

Save me please.

atama_luciros @ 2007-10-08T16:36:00

2007-10-08T20:55:12Z

Journal, I find myself facing temptation day after day. And tonight was no exception. It's bad enough having Valandiil edging me towards giving in and going back to being a complete man-whore, but I've been fighting it off and fighting it off well. No attachments, no indulgence, nothing. Nether, I can't even remember the last time I took part in anything remotely sexual. I've just been that out of touch with my own internal desires. But the more it makes itself available, the more weak in the knees I get. Then I remember who I am and what I'm supposed to do and I push those thoughts aside. Nether help me though, there are way too many men in this estate. Plain and simple.

I mean, for example, tonight, I found Fingal wandering around the halls (I thought he was an intruder at first), trying to find the bathroom. While in most circumstances, I would politely point him in the right direction - he was covered in dirt and blood and wearing nothing more than a towel around his waist! I nearly choked on my own words and hurried to my room to try and stop an incoming nosebleed. Damnit! Okay, so, after calming myself after that moment, I went to go check for mail and packages at the local post which was outside and down the walking path. I'm happy to report that my spectacles did come in and they fit rather well. I can see much better now too. So, I go back inside (and it's freezing out there in that damnable snow!), go back up the stairs and down the hall and there he is AGAIN! This time, clean, wet, and still with towel.

I think he's doing this on purpose.

They all do this to torment me.

But I will be strong. I will not let these muscular, built, tall, and strong men tempt me.

Nope, not me.

atama_luciros @ 2007-10-03T23:58:00

2007-10-04T04:06:42Z

back from brewfest

rode on a ramm

drunk ass hell

pukked in plant in hallway hope lieben doesnt seee it

feelin reallee good

need to get laid

going to sleeep now

(The rest of the page is covered in sleep drool...)

atama_luciros @ 2007-10-01T01:29:00

2007-10-01T05:48:16Z

Ah, journal... how I hate Silvermoon and love it at the same time. I more hate the convocacy and their corrupted political circle and blindless and - moving on.

They had captured Lolin'dar and held him in a prison. He looked dreadfully ill and I'm most concerned for him. Being the concerned teacher that I am, I sent a letter to Lieben of the utmost importance and requested her expertise in lock-picking as well as snatching up three invisibility potions from her alchemist son.

Needless to say, Lolin'dar is now in the care of the Faol estate and somewhat progressing.

And now Sargeoff, Lieben, and myself are wanted criminals... isn't that just lovely?

My primary concern is Himmel and how he's fairing with his spouse. Turns out while we were on vacation, the little bastard went off and screwed some woman from his past. And then cried how it was a mistake and it won't happen again and he's SO sorry and KODOSHITE.

I don't believe a pissing word he says. And to think he used to be a good friend of mine.

Who needs an arch-nemesis when you have cheating spouses? Hurray!

Maybe I'm just a really bitter person, journal.

atama_luciros @ 2007-09-27T11:45:00

2007-09-27T15:54:49Z

But she said to "kick back and be free"! I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, geez!

We were talking about stuff. Lieben made me put my loiny back on... wench.

Leben, Lieben, and that's Himmy in the back, I think. I was on my way to Booty Bay.

And there's me and Jonah, heading back home. Himmel, Lieben, Sargeoff, and Leben.

atama_luciros @ 2007-09-24T07:46:00

2007-09-24T11:48:26Z

I told you so
I told you so
I told you so
I told you so
I told you so
I told you so
I told you so
I told you so
I told you so
I told you so
I told you so
I told you so
I told you so
I told you so
I told you so

They never listen to me... and now look at what happened...

Heavens above, please spare the innocent, but condemn the rest of us to hell for what we've done...

He does not deserve such pain...

atama_luciros @ 2007-09-20T18:49:00

2007-09-20T23:06:29Z

A - Articulate
B - Beautiful
C - Cunning
D - Delicious
E - Enriched
F - Fabulous
G - Gorgeous
H - High-maintenance
I - Incredible
J - ~~Joker~~ ~~Jolly~~ Justly
K - Kind
L - Lovely
M - Mature
N - Needy
O - Orgasmic
P - Perfect
Q - Questionable
R - ~~Reliable~~ Relentless Reliable
S - Stupendous
T - Tasty
U - Useful
V - Vain
W - Wishful
X - Xenophobic
Y - Youth
Z - Zesty!

Everything is packed for the family's vacation. While I don't want to be in the steamy jungles for a week, I am looking forward to it. Thooroon has everything packed up in the carriage.

Damn, I'm bored...

atama_luciros @ 2007-09-20T11:03:00

2007-09-20T15:09:48Z

Hmm, apparently Lolin'dar is being held by the Imperial Legion. And the Department of Regulations, lead by Elexandre Solisbane, has no clue where my dear former pupil is...

This troubles me... I'd hate to use unnecessary force to find him...

atama_luciros @ 2007-09-19T16:13:00

2007-09-19T20:19:17Z

Atama sat on his favorite bench by the fountain in the lower Bazaar. He looked up at the bright sky and smiled before turning his attention to the stack of papers sitting besides him. His fingertips walked through the reports and study notes before fishing out his journal. It was a new, and fresh book. He had only written a few enties. The other, older one was left to burn in the memories of a false life he was desperate to forget.

The past few days have been rather eventful and I'm glad to say that I've been enjoying my time out of the estate as well as venturing freely throughout Silvermoon without discrimination. Without the worries of the convocation digging into my spine as well as dealing with other corrupt leaders, relaxing and returning to my main focus of studies has left me in a rather positive and productive mood.

As requested by the mistress of the estate, I went to the White Hart tavern to watch and observe what I could. Keep in mind, if Lieben did not ask me to do such, I would never step foot in that place. Why? Simple. Because I have dislike for a majority of people. Overly hyper. Overly depressed. Anxious. Aggravating. Annoying. But my main focus and plot was to watch my nephew and his husband. Lieben has severe concern for her son and it's understandable. Later that evening when everyone went to retire, I went to their room and spoke to Himmel. I was going to leave afterwards, but he followed me out and we decided to chat in Everlook.

Journal, the more closer I get to him, the more I will as if my life will be cut short by his anger and hate. In a heated argument (and I tried to calm him, I did), he grabbed me by the throat and threw me around like a rag doll. In truth, I'm still scared when he killed me the first time... I'd rather not die a second time.

After assuring him things would be okay, he went back to the tavern to get some sleep. I, myself, returned back to the Faol residence and buried myself under blankets. The next morning, I developed a cold which I'm slightly still suffering from, it's rather annoying, journal.

At some point in the afternoon, I met up with Leben who was skipping about as normal, working on his priest training. I'm very happy for him and glad to see that's he's returning back to his previous studies. While I think he would make an excellent rogue like his mother, his true abilities lie in the untapped power he has within. Ah well, journal, it's not for me to decide where the boy goes, just as long as he's happy. And I'm sure he was happy with the gift that Mirien got him. Yes, a mechanical squirrel for the young lad. It pleases me to see two bright and eager young elves so bustling with energy with no other care in the world. It actually gives me hope that all is not lost and perhaps their innocence can redeem us.

On a separate note, dear journal, I've met another warlock. A female named Scartaris. Apparently she is a friend to Liore and Himmel. I've kept an eye on her the few brief times I've seen her around. I met her on accident in the plaguelands. Apparently she was looking for the estate and for me. I'm glad we kept our meeting brief. I told her I was from the Shadow Council and I (sometimes) willingly did things for the Legion. Either way, I'm certain she would know better than to flap at the jaws about me. But I've not the only elf in the demonic business, journal, we both know that.

On another separate note, Fingal has also returned to the manor after getting a reassurance that wouldn't kill him. No, instead, I plan on asking questions and studying him and the parasite or plague he carries. This will prove helpful in some theories I have about Scourge intelligence, developing new plagues, as well as what resources they're using. I'll also have Temeluchus working with me. He's already been a great help in doing some research ahead of time. I'm glad I've been able to capture such a devoted person. Temeluchus has proven his worth, and much more.

Journal, it saddens me to write that I've been rather abstinent for some time now. And last night was definitely a challenge. I was walking along, minding my own business when I saw Valandiil Rivenelle. Now Val and I go back for some time and we've always been great friends. We were discussing his antics on picking up people and how to persaude them around when a Blood Knight adept sat on the bench next to us. He picked up on our conversation and began to converse with us. Then plopped himself right between Val and I. I was a little annoyed by that, but Valandiil's sweet-talking nature kicked in and the poor bloke ended up drink as hell and in the middle of public - Val started removing the guy's armor...

I would find this funny because this proves my theory again on alcoholism and weak-minded individuals. But when the guy was sobering up, he was still going along with Valandiil and touching each other. My mind snapped. I couldn't stand to watch this. As much as they wanted me to play along and come prance around with them, I really, honestly couldn't... it was a horrible temptation, I assure you... and in any other circumstance, I might've been right along with them, but for some strange reason, I was not aroused by this. Maybe I'm just overly disappointed that this would be a one time fling and that's not something I want... besides... ~~sex is,~~ no, scratch that... ~~love is...~~ no, what matters most is ~~love and~~

Atama stopped his scribbling and sighed. He scratched out his last few words and then simply penned three words:

Honor and trust.

He closed his journal shut and laid it upon his workload. He rubbed the bridge of his nose and then quickly grabbed a tissue as he felt an incoming sneeze.

atama_luciros @ 2007-09-17T02:36:00

2007-09-17T06:41:22Z

Atama slipped out of his evergreen robe with its delicate gold trim he laced in himself. It fell onto the marble floor with a smooth collapse around his bare feet. The bathtub was filled with a rich aroma of delicate herbs and oils hand picked from his sister's own collection that she often let him have access to. The water steamed up towards the glistening ceiling. He slipped one white, delicate leg into the large basin, followed by the other before sinking down into the tub. He let out an exhausting, yet relieved sigh with a small smile crossing over his face. Reaching up with his hands, he pulled out the pins in his hair, letting the silver locks frame around his face and softly collide into the oil-scented water. With the hair pins aside, he reached over to small table that stood along side the tub. He grabbed his pen and journal, opening the book to a fresh page.

Dearest Journal,

Somewhere in the bustling, busy every day life of your's truly, I still find time to draw a hot, nice bath and relax if only for a few moments.

The warlock drew one of his silken legs out of the water and let it rest over the side of the tub. He stretched out his toes and wiggled them, chuckling lightly to himself.

While the others think I lock myself up in this library, in truth, I've been attempting to make contact with another dreadlord in hopes contacting even more nathrezim that are in the Legion. If I'm lucky enough, I may be able to reach as far as Mephistroth! Wouldn't that be exciting?! One should think so, yes? But alas, my attempts are small and futile. Banehallow still has not forgiven me, and with good reason. The rest of the Council in Jaedenar is deathly silent when I come into Shadow Hold. Yet the prince is still has happy (and terrified) to see Thooroon and I.

Atama tapped the tip of his inked pen to his chin and then sighed, shaking his head. He drew his hair behind his ears and looked over his entry.

Some people think I'm crazy. But all I have are questions, journal. Questions about the demonic mind that I must know.